Mosquito Press

BY PEACHY PONCE DE LEON

LIFESTYLE — I recently got the shock of my life when our new maid Inday asked if she could use our PC to log into Facebook.

“Wow, may Facebook ka?” I said.

“Opo, señora,” she answered. “Kakamustahin ko po sana yung kapatid ko sa Hong Kong.”

I told her I would think about her request. I looked composed, but underneath I was panicking. I mean, imagine a maid with Facebook? A maid? With Facebook? Por Diyos.

Dangers

I pictured Inday chatting with robbers — sending them our floor plans, our pictures, the codes to our security locks. “God,” I thought, “I don’t want to die in the hands of some squatters!”

I pictured Inday visiting Wikipedia and reading about things like “Occupy Wall Street,” “minimum wage,” and “humane working conditions.” Inday could start a sit-in, and then a strike, and then a revolution! “God,” I thought, “I don’t want to die in the hands of communists!”

Then, I pictured Inday getting addicted to Farmville. I mean, my maids are already telebabad queens. They hardly work. There is dust on my curtains and I have to ring my bell twice before they come to me. “God,” I thought, “How would I entertain?”

I got palpitations.

‘Just Say No’

Later that afternoon, I put my foot down. I told Inday she could not use our PC, and most definitely could not have Facebook while in the confines of my home. She cried.

So imagine my horror when Inday went on a day-off days later and sent me a friend request. A friend request! That gaga, of course I ignored it. 

But then, I looked at her profile.

Inday uses her high school graduation photo. Her likes include Nora Aunor, Toni Gonzaga, and Kathryn Bernardo. She’s a “Certified Kapamilya.” She lists her relationship status as “it’s complicated.” And, she says she’s “interested in men and women.”

My goodness. It’s really so funny to see maids pretending that they have lives of their own. So when Inday got back from her day off, I let her use my iPad and ordered her to update her profile.

Now the maid’s Facebook page reads, “Inday Gumatay, KATULONG at Maam Peachy’s upstairs bathroom.” Just as it is in real life.

Ping Lacson uses his experience crafting and enforcing laws to teach you how to break them

BY PANFILO LACSON, SR.

Sometimes, you do something to some person that puts you in danger of getting arrested. It could be rape, robbery, or ordering the murder of an innocent human being — the point is, it happens to everyone.

When that time comes, it is best to be prepared. That’s why I am writing this. I know there have been many similar guides in the past: Ferdinand Marcos’ definitive list of where to dine and die in Hawaii; Adolf Hitler’s one-chapter masterpiece, Selbstmord (Kill Yourself); and the ineffective Hide in Your Own House: Selected Sonnets and Limericks by Joseph Estrada.

This guide, however, is for the discriminating fugitive, who isn’t friends with America or hasn’t yet committed genocide. Here, I use my decades of experience crafting and enforcing laws to give you expert advice on how to break laws.

Tip #1. In dealing with authorities, always come handy with paper bills. They’re like “Get Out of Jail” cards, except they also get you past NAIA Immigration.

Tip #2. Beware of Parliamentary Immunity Deficiency Syndrome. Always stay safe by running for re-election.

Tip #3. It is best to get as far away from government rule as possible. Try leaving the country or finding a home in the Autonomous Region of Muslim Mindanao.

Tip #4. If at anytime, you feel like coming back home, it helps to possess a vote that could impeach an Ombudsman.

Tip #5. Be not afraid of the long arm of the law — chances are, it’s not an arm, it’s average Filipino-sized, and it cannot sustain an erection.

Excerpted from Gap Year by Panfilo Lacson, Sr., published by Lonely Planet.

BY MERCEDITAS GUTIERREZ

Whenever movies premiere at cinemas, I always make it a point to watch and review them promptly. Today, I share with you my judgement of the latest box office hit, Inception, starring Leonardo di Caprio.

Acting was good. Effects were good. Music was scary but good.

Many ask me about the ending of Inception. The character of Leonardo di Caprio is reunited with his father and children, but it is unclear if this happens in “real life.” Some evidence, like the spinning top, is ambiguous. Others allege that di Caprio’s father only appears during “real life” scenes.

So was that a dream or is it real? Unfortunately, there is no sufficient evidence to prove that Inception is an actual movie. I will now form a task force to verify the existence of “Leonardo di Caprio”.

Rating: No rating given.

* * *

Follow me on Twitter @MerciGutierrez.

Mosquito Press has devised an innovative tool to help senators question former comptroller Jacinto Ligot, and his wife, Erlinda. Introducing the Ligot Family Response Generator! Click through to use.

Tim Garcia and Trina, a member of his No-Carbs Support Group.

BY THE STAFF

Tim Garcia burst into headlines in 2009, when he was arrested in the United States in connection with the dealings of his father, accused plunderer Gen. Carlos Garcia.

Tim now works as head of public relations at Marc Jacobs’ men’s division. He once described his arrest as a “doorway to hell,” but since then, he and his family have come under even more fire.

Mosquito Press met with Garcia at his upscale New York City apartment. Here is our interview with the embattled publicist.

Tim dresses down in his New York apartment.

Mosquito Press: To many, you’ve become a symbol of military corruption and extravagance. How do you respond to this?

Tim Garcia: Excuse me, I am a symbol of beauty. As Imelda once said, “I have to look beautiful so that the poor Filipinos will have a star to look at from their slums.” What I’m doing is a service.

But people say that your father took money from the government — money that could have benefitted the poor.

First, I deny that. Secondly, hello, what will the poor do with money ba? Buy rice? Why buy rice when you can have Louis Vuitton and a no-carb diet?

How do you explain your wealth, then?

I would like to uphold my right against self-incrimination.

Seriously?

No, just kidding! Oh my god, they’re going to kill me for this. Like, I promised my family I would never speak because it’s so shameful. I could lose my job over this…

But you know, my family has been under so much pressure! When I see my dad on TV, he looks so gaunt, which is bad because my mom likes bears. It pains me to think they’re going through all this trouble to protect me.

Okay… so the truth behind our wealth is multi-level marketing.

Multi-level marketing?

Yeah, like Amway. Back in the 90’s, we imported a perfume called Mark Jacob’s Integrity. Mark with a “k” and Jacob as in Ha/kob. For trademark purposes. Oh my god, I’m so bakya. I’m going to lose my job. 

So we were the original Joel Cruz Afficionado Perfumes. First, we sold Integrity to the top-brass of the Armed Forces, and then they brought it down to the lower echelons, and by the mid-90’s, everyone in the Armed Forces was selling Integrity.

I’m revealing my age here. F***, I’m going to cry.

A promotional flyer for Integrity by Mark Jacobs. Courtesy of TIM GARCIA

So all this money that you have now, which amounts to millions and millions of dollars, all of that came from selling Integrity?

Yeah. It was a good business.

You know, I thought I’d grow up to have a normal job — like do events and edit a newspaper section and host a gossip show on GMA News TV. It’s a good thing my father encouraged me to sell the perfumes instead.

It was he who taught me the true value of Integrity: P89.00 — that’s how much our first bottles sold for.

What about the sworn statement of your mother, saying that your father received gifts from military contractors?

You know, my mom says crazy shit. She’s so depressed.

In that sworn statement, she also said that your family had a “military cook that played piano music upon request”?

Why? That’s not a big extravagance. It was just Richard Poon, hello?

So what is your message to your father’s critics?

Leave us alone. As Gandhi said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

We know a fetus who thinks you should all rot in jail.

Ok, but can it lift a stone?

Thank you, Tim Garcia, for this interview.

Thank you. Mosquito Press

As Pinoys fall for the acid rain hoax, a study finds that Filipinos are gullible.

OMAHA — According to a study released by the Harvard Institute of Socio-Political Progression (HIS-PP), the Philippines ranks first among the world’s most gullible races.

The study involved content analyses of over 500,000 historical documents from 300 different societies. The documents were then evaluated according to a quantitative metric called the Gump Index.

“Each instance of gullibility in a people’s ancient and historical records has corresponding points in the Gump Index. These points are co-related with the lifespan of the society and its average educational attainment,” said Dr. Samuel Sean Dawson of HIS-PP.

Filipinos scored 1,344,399 points, placing it first, ahead of the Trojans of 12th Century BC, who scored 1,086. “The gross Trojan Gump Index was higher than Filipinos’, but it was offset by the fact that the Trojans are a dead civilization,” said Dawson.

According to the report, examples of Filipino gullibility include:

• “Sandugo” or the blood compacts betweer Miguel Lopez de Legaspi and Datu Sikatuna, and Ferdinand Magellan and Raja Humabon — ploys which led to the brutal Spanish colonization of the Philippines, but are still celebrated by Filipinos as a sign of friendship;
• The continuing belief that circumcision is common practice in Christianity;
• The Mock Battle of Manila Bay;
• Popular belief that Agapito Flores invented the fluorescent bulb;
• Popular belief that Eduardo San Juan invented the moon buggy;
• Popular belief that an ophidian humanoid resides in a Manila shopping mall.

“What’s curious about the Filipino condition is that despite a respectable literacy rate, many of its people still believe that condoms cause cancer — or that Appolo Quilboloy, CEO of Kingdom of Jesus Christ, The Name Above Every Name, Inc. is the son of God,” said Dawson.

According to the study, the causes of this gullibility include the inability to question information and an over-reliance on interpersonal sources. “For Filipinos, a tsunami warning from the government does less than a mother’s directive to avoid the sea because of syokoys (mermen),” it notes.

HIS-PP is also looking into genetic and biological factors. The organization is currently experimenting with the live brains of volunteer patients, and will release their findings next year.

“539 of our subjects are Filipino. It was very easy to get them. All we had to do is post a listing at POEA that said ‘Teachers Wanted’,” said Dr. Dawson. Mosquito Press