Mosquito Press

BY THE STAFF

“What happened to Jinkee’s face??!” cried many on social media this week, after seeing the latest cover of Mega Magazine, with a virtually unrecognizable Mrs. Pacquiao.

Well, we at Mosquito Press have found out. We tracked Jinkee Pacquiao’s old face to a nursing home in Caloocan, where it is recovering from massive surgical wounds.

We spoke with it about family, culture, and its feelings toward Mrs. Pacquiao’s replacement face. Here is our exclusive interview.

How is your relationship like with Jinkee Pacquiao’s new face?

We’re civil naman. When we see each other, I smile, and then it tries to smile back. 

How is your relationship with Jinkee?

You know, I was the face Jinkee was born with with. She met Manny because of me. He fell in love with her because of me. When they were poor, and through all the difficult times, I stayed fair and wrinkle-free.

So, am I mad that Jinkee replaced me? How can I be mad? She’s not naman a pakshet. She’s not a pakshet who never replies to my texts; who has never even bothered to thank me. She’s not.

It was a painful separation, then?

Duh, they used a knife! Ang daming dugo, like iww. 

What was Mr. Pacquiao’s reaction?

Nothing. But then again, Manny’s face only has two expressions: deadma and “araaay!” Haven’t you seen his movie?

No, I haven’t.

Oo nga pala, nobody saw his movie.

There has been talk that the Pacquiaos’ marriage is on the rocks. Do you have any comment on this?

The marriage is going strong. Jinkee’s happy when Manny’s happy, and Manny’s very happy. It’s a different face he sees in the morning now.

Has the transformation affected the Pacquiao children?

It took them a while to get used to Jinkee’s new face. They were always crying, “I want my mommy!” even though Jinkee was right in front of them.

But eventually, they liked it. Queen Elizabeth nga said, “Mommy, I want to look like you.” Jinkee laughed and said, “Take it out of your trust fund.”

People hit Jinkee for her heavy use of cosmetic surgery. What is your message for her critics?

Haters to the left. I won’t even glorify them. They’re just jealous ants, while Jinkee is a role model for majority of Filipinas.

Everyday, young girls look up to her and think, “One day, I, too, can marry a boxer. I can become a billionaire. I can have enough money to make my flat nose sharp, my brown skin white, my chest a size C, and bring my waistline down to anorexia levels.”

That’s so inspirational.

So, white is beautiful and flat noses are flaws to be fixed?

Yah. But I’m not saying that brown is ugly, no? If you’re comfortable looking like Pokwang, go lang ng go! I support your inner beauty!

What about Angel Aquino?

That’s different. She has class.

A final question: What are your plans for the future?

I want to travel. Maybe see Morocco, Nepal, Antarctica, and Latin America. I’m a backpacker.

But I’m enjoying my retirement. I’ve made very good friends at the Home for Discarded Body Parts. Regine Velasquez’s chin and Gretchen Barretto’s lips are my BFFs. — Mosquito Press

Tim Garcia and Trina, a member of his No-Carbs Support Group.

BY THE STAFF

Tim Garcia burst into headlines in 2009, when he was arrested in the United States in connection with the dealings of his father, accused plunderer Gen. Carlos Garcia.

Tim now works as head of public relations at Marc Jacobs’ men’s division. He once described his arrest as a “doorway to hell,” but since then, he and his family have come under even more fire.

Mosquito Press met with Garcia at his upscale New York City apartment. Here is our interview with the embattled publicist.

Tim dresses down in his New York apartment.

Mosquito Press: To many, you’ve become a symbol of military corruption and extravagance. How do you respond to this?

Tim Garcia: Excuse me, I am a symbol of beauty. As Imelda once said, “I have to look beautiful so that the poor Filipinos will have a star to look at from their slums.” What I’m doing is a service.

But people say that your father took money from the government — money that could have benefitted the poor.

First, I deny that. Secondly, hello, what will the poor do with money ba? Buy rice? Why buy rice when you can have Louis Vuitton and a no-carb diet?

How do you explain your wealth, then?

I would like to uphold my right against self-incrimination.

Seriously?

No, just kidding! Oh my god, they’re going to kill me for this. Like, I promised my family I would never speak because it’s so shameful. I could lose my job over this…

But you know, my family has been under so much pressure! When I see my dad on TV, he looks so gaunt, which is bad because my mom likes bears. It pains me to think they’re going through all this trouble to protect me.

Okay… so the truth behind our wealth is multi-level marketing.

Multi-level marketing?

Yeah, like Amway. Back in the 90’s, we imported a perfume called Mark Jacob’s Integrity. Mark with a “k” and Jacob as in Ha/kob. For trademark purposes. Oh my god, I’m so bakya. I’m going to lose my job. 

So we were the original Joel Cruz Afficionado Perfumes. First, we sold Integrity to the top-brass of the Armed Forces, and then they brought it down to the lower echelons, and by the mid-90’s, everyone in the Armed Forces was selling Integrity.

I’m revealing my age here. F***, I’m going to cry.

A promotional flyer for Integrity by Mark Jacobs. Courtesy of TIM GARCIA

So all this money that you have now, which amounts to millions and millions of dollars, all of that came from selling Integrity?

Yeah. It was a good business.

You know, I thought I’d grow up to have a normal job — like do events and edit a newspaper section and host a gossip show on GMA News TV. It’s a good thing my father encouraged me to sell the perfumes instead.

It was he who taught me the true value of Integrity: P89.00 — that’s how much our first bottles sold for.

What about the sworn statement of your mother, saying that your father received gifts from military contractors?

You know, my mom says crazy shit. She’s so depressed.

In that sworn statement, she also said that your family had a “military cook that played piano music upon request”?

Why? That’s not a big extravagance. It was just Richard Poon, hello?

So what is your message to your father’s critics?

Leave us alone. As Gandhi said, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

We know a fetus who thinks you should all rot in jail.

Ok, but can it lift a stone?

Thank you, Tim Garcia, for this interview.

Thank you. Mosquito Press

Former CBCP President Nereo Ochimar

MANILA — Tandag Bishop Nereo Ochimar, president of the Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines (CBCP), resigned from his post today in order to take a job as the official spokesperson of the late pop singer Michael Jackson.

Ochimar submitted his irrevocable letter of resignation to the CBCP board this morning. The CBCP have not released a comment.

Ochimar sat down with Mosquito Press to answer questions about this surprise decision.

Mosquito Press: As official spokesperson of Michael Jackson, how will you convey the thoughts and feelings of Mr. Jackson, when he is, of course, dead?

Bishop Nereo Ochimar: Well, upon much study of the writings of Michael Jackson, contained in his songs, and also, with deep reflection and introspection, I of course, am able to speak on behalf of Mr. Jackson.

Did ever you get the chance to meet Him?

No.

How, then, will we be able to verify that what you’re saying on Jackson’s behalf is correct?

Well, the family, led by the Father, Mr. Joseph Walter Jackson, has decreed that I have absolute infallibility.

So we’re supposed to believe that what you’re saying is right because you say that what you’re saying is right?

Yes.

Given that Mr. Jackson is dead, why does he need a spokesperson?

Michael Jackson’s Word provides inspiration and guidance to millions of people around the world. For many, it represents a righteous way of life! Therefore, it is but important that we spread his Word, and utilize it as the basis for the institutions of society, such as family, government, and the self.

Give us an example. How would you use Michael Jackson’s Word to influence the government?

Well, with the so-called reproductive health or RH. We should be anti-contraception. No to all kinds of contraception! After all, according to In the Closet, verse one, lines five to ten, “I cannot contain myself when in your presence / I’m so humble / Touch me / Don’t hide our love / Woman to man.”

Obviously, we should not contain or hide or obscure of obfuscate of obstruct the love, meaning the natural ability to reproduce, between a man and a woman.

How else?

On the issue of divorce. You know, divorce is so immoral. Jackson said, “The girl is mine / The doggone girl is mine / I know she’s mine / Because the doggone girl is mine.” The Girl is Mine, verse two, lines one to four. Clearly, the woman is the property of the man. So how can they part?

What about Michael Jackson saying, “I’m bad”?

You know, that is subject to interpretation in the proper context. Bad does not mean evil. “Bad,” in the Jacksonian sense, means bad against evil. So when you’re bad to evil, that means you’re good. Di ba?

Mr. Jackson did not write all his lyrics. His lyrics were sometimes written by others, and then edited by a council of managers and advisers, who determined what words stayed and what words were taken out. Doesn’t this mean that his lyrics do not totally reflect His word?

No it does not. And also, I’m infallible. Mosquito Press

Corona’s advice for bookworms: Never judge a book by its cover. The only thing that matters is who gave it to you.

BY THE STAFF

Chief Justice Renato Corona has found a new love: books.

It was only last year that the 62-year-old jurist started a book collection at his humble home. He explains, “It was after I was appointed. I said, ‘I’ve reached the pinnacle of my career. Maybe I’ll try something new.’ I started with just a few books. Then, it continued from there.”

So far, the Chief Justice has gathered an impressive body of literature. He recently opened his home to Mosquito Press to tell us more about it.

Mosquito Press:  What are your favorite books?

Chief Justice Renato Corona: There are so many, how can I choose? I like the classics: The Art of War by Sun Tzu, Plato’s Republic. Of course, I also like books I authored myself, like Animal Farm, 1984, Lord of the Rings…

Sir, you didn’t write those books.

So what?

You’re passing them off as your own. Isn’t that plagiarism?

I’ll be the judge of that.

What is your process in choosing books to add to your collection?

It’s simple, really. I never judge a book by its cover. The only thing that matters is who gave it to me. If I like the person, I keep the book. If I don’t like the person, I throw away the book. Yun lang.

From whom do you get your books?

Well, that row of books to your right comes from the President herself, the Honorable Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. The row of books below that come from Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. Everything on the big shelf is from Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo. The encyclopedias on the small shelf are from Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.

What is your message to critics who say that you only accept books that come from the former president?

Absolutely false! I just started my collection and already my critics have reached conclusions! Just watch me, and majority of you will change your minds.

Would you accept a book by Marites Vitug?

No.

Before we end, we have a gift for you. It’s a John Grisham box set. Would you add this to your collection?

I’ll consider it. Thank you.

How long would you take to consider this?

If these books have anything to do with crime, ten to fifteen years.

To close, you are such a dedicated man. Do you consider book collecting a hobby or a vocation?

Definitely a vocation. God put me here for a reason. In fact, she told me, “Renato, I’m going to send you a lot of books and you need to protect them.” I am but a grateful servant.