Mosquito Press

BREAKING: Lady Gaga arrested

Tue, 22 May 2012 12:16:23 +0800

Photo

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 20:19:00 +0800

Willie Revillame forms partylist group

Thu, 12 Apr 2012 11:57:00 +0800

On a live telecast of his primetime variety show “Wil Time Big Time,” the host announced that he is turning his organization, the I Wil Serve Foundation, into a partylist group.

“Alam niyo ba nagtatayo ako ng partylist?” he told viewers. “Para sa inyo iyan. Hindi para sa akin.” (Do you know that I’m starting a partylist group? It’s for you, not me.)

The group will be called “I Wil Serve Partylist”. It applied for accreditation with the Commission on Elections in March, and already claims a membership of 3,000.

If accredited, Revillame says the partylist will be a multi-sectoral organization that caters to the poor, the elderly, women and even professionals.

Revillame stated that he will not be running for public office himself, and he has not revealed who he intends to field in next year’s elections.

Source: Interaksyon, Rappler

Photo

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 19:00:00 +0800

Every year, the procession of the Black Nazarene brings out the...

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 11:00:54 +0800

Every year, the procession of the Black Nazarene brings out the best in Filipinos.

Juxtaposition Fail

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 11:22:00 +0800

Juxtaposition Fail

An interview with Jinkee Pacquiao's old face

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 11:14:00 +0800

BY THE STAFF

“What happened to Jinkee’s face??!” cried many on social media this week, after seeing the latest cover of Mega Magazine, with a virtually unrecognizable Mrs. Pacquiao.

Well, we at Mosquito Press have found out. We tracked Jinkee Pacquiao’s old face to a nursing home in Caloocan, where it is recovering from massive surgical wounds.

We spoke with it about family, culture, and its feelings toward Mrs. Pacquiao’s replacement face. Here is our exclusive interview.

How is your relationship like with Jinkee Pacquiao’s new face?

We’re civil naman. When we see each other, I smile, and then it tries to smile back.

How is your relationship with Jinkee?

You know, I was the face Jinkee was born with with. She met Manny because of me. He fell in love with her because of me. When they were poor, and through all the difficult times, I stayed fair and wrinkle-free.

So, am I mad that Jinkee replaced me? How can I be mad? She’s not naman a pakshet. She’s not a pakshet who never replies to my texts; who has never even bothered to thank me. She’s not.

It was a painful separation, then?

Duh, they used a knife! Ang daming dugo, like iww.

What was Mr. Pacquiao’s reaction?

Nothing. But then again, Manny’s face only has two expressions: deadma and “araaay!” Haven’t you seen his movie?

No, I haven’t.

Oo nga pala, nobody saw his movie.

There has been talk that the Pacquiaos’ marriage is on the rocks. Do you have any comment on this?

The marriage is going strong. Jinkee’s happy when Manny’s happy, and Manny’s very happy. It’s a different face he sees in the morning now.

Has the transformation affected the Pacquiao children?

It took them a while to get used to Jinkee’s new face. They were always crying, “I want my mommy!” even though Jinkee was right in front of them.

But eventually, they liked it. Queen Elizabeth nga said, “Mommy, I want to look like you.” Jinkee laughed and said, “Take it out of your trust fund.”

People hit Jinkee for her heavy use of cosmetic surgery. What is your message for her critics?

Haters to the left. I won’t even glorify them. They’re just jealous ants, while Jinkee is a role model for majority of Filipinas.

Everyday, young girls look up to her and think, “One day, I, too, can marry a boxer. I can become a billionaire. I can have enough money to make my flat nose sharp, my brown skin white, my chest a size C, and bring my waistline down to anorexia levels.”

That’s so inspirational.

So, white is beautiful and flat noses are flaws to be fixed?

Yah. But I’m not saying that brown is ugly, no? If you’re comfortable looking like Pokwang, go lang ng go! I support your inner beauty!

What about Angel Aquino?

That’s different. She has class.

A final question: What are your plans for the future?

I want to travel. Maybe see Morocco, Nepal, Antarctica, and Latin America. I’m a backpacker.

But I’m enjoying my retirement. I’ve made very good friends at the Home for Discarded Body Parts. Regine Velasquez’s chin and Gretchen Barretto’s lips are my BFFs. — Mosquito Press

FACE-PALM: President Aquino embarrasses self at APEC Summit

Wed, 16 Nov 2011 11:21:00 +0800

FACE-PALM: President Aquino embarrasses self at APEC Summit

'Of course GMA will be back. In a few years, Pinoys won’t even remember what she’s accused of. And then they’ll elect Mikey to the Senate.'

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 20:57:00 +0800

@AmandoDoronila on Twitter

The creepy Gloria Arroyo meme

Tue, 08 Nov 2011 18:01:00 +0800

Lawyers for Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo today released a series of creepy photos, showing the former president wearing a neck brace. They hoped to gain sympathy for Arroyo’s bid to leave the country. Instead, the Internet sprung into action and did this:

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FYI

Mon, 07 Nov 2011 00:41:00 +0800

FYI

5 cutest pictures of the world's 7 billionth baby

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 15:10:00 +0800

On Oct. 31, the United Nations named Danica Camacho a symbolic 7 billionth baby. Danica was born at Manila’s Fabella Hospital, the world’s busiest maternity ward. Here are her cutest pictures.

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What to do when Inday asks for Facebook

Thu, 27 Oct 2011 10:03:00 +0800

BY PEACHY PONCE DE LEON

LIFESTYLE — I recently got the shock of my life when our new maid Inday asked if she could use our PC to log into Facebook.

“Wow, may Facebook ka?” I said.

“Opo, señora,” she answered. “Kakamustahin ko po sana yung kapatid ko sa Hong Kong.”

I told her I would think about her request. I looked composed, but underneath I was panicking. I mean, imagine a maid with Facebook? A maid? With Facebook? Por Diyos.

Dangers

I pictured Inday chatting with robbers — sending them our floor plans, our pictures, the codes to our security locks. “God,” I thought, “I don’t want to die in the hands of some squatters!”

I pictured Inday visiting Wikipedia and reading about things like “Occupy Wall Street,” “minimum wage,” and “humane working conditions.” Inday could start a sit-in, and then a strike, and then a revolution! “God,” I thought, “I don’t want to die in the hands of communists!”

Then, I pictured Inday getting addicted to Farmville. I mean, my maids are already telebabad queens. They hardly work. There is dust on my curtains and I have to ring my bell twice before they come to me. “God,” I thought, “How would I entertain?”

I got palpitations.

‘Just Say No’

Later that afternoon, I put my foot down. I told Inday she could not use our PC, and most definitely could not have Facebook while in the confines of my home. She cried.

So imagine my horror when Inday went on a day-off days later and sent me a friend request. A friend request! That gaga, of course I ignored it.

But then, I looked at her profile.

Inday uses her high school graduation photo. Her likes include Nora Aunor, Toni Gonzaga, and Kathryn Bernardo. She’s a “Certified Kapamilya.” She lists her relationship status as “it’s complicated.” And, she says she’s “interested in men and women.”

My goodness. It’s really so funny to see maids pretending that they have lives of their own. So when Inday got back from her day off, I let her use my iPad and ordered her to update her profile.

Now the maid’s Facebook page reads, “Inday Gumatay, KATULONG at Maam Peachy’s upstairs bathroom.” Just as it is in real life.

Imelda Marcos files bill honoring Muammar Gadhafi

Fri, 21 Oct 2011 00:40:00 +0800

Former First Lady and current Ilocos Sur Representative Imelda Marcos has filed a bill at the House of Representatives, seeking to honor the late Libyan leader Muammar Gadhafi.

Gadhafi was killed today in a gun battle between his loyalists and Libyan revolutionaries.

“Colonel Gadhafi deserves honor because he is Libya’s longest-serving leader,” Marcos told reporters.

“Under Gadhafi, Libya had 10.6% GDP growth — so much higher than 7.6% under Noynoy Aquino. Their population below the poverty line is only 7.6%. Ours is 32.9%. Why did the rebels murder Gadhafi? They should be thankful for him!” Marcos said.

Reporters asked the former First Lady about human rights abuses committed by Gadhafi’s regime, as well as allegations that the colonel stole close to a trillion dollars from his people.

Marcos responded, “Prove it! Gadhafi has never been convicted of those crimes!”

She then wept, touching a photograph of herself with the late dictator. Marcos visited Gadhafi twice as First Lady of the Philippines.

“I will miss Gadhafi’s kindness,” she said. “He used to fax me… the best fax I ever had. I will see him in the afterlife.” — Mosquito Press

Mideo Cruz shows off his other work

Wed, 17 Aug 2011 12:59:00 +0800

Mideo Cruz and his controversial installation, ‘Poletismo’

BY THE STAFF

“I am so much more than the Mideo Cruz that’s portrayed in the media,” Mideo Cruz tells Mosquito Press.

“I’ve been called blasphemous, heretical, an offspring of the devil… but I am so much more than that.”

The controversial artist, whose exhibit at the Cultural Center of the Philippines was recently shut down, continues to operate from a cramped studio in Quezon City. It is here that his next works are being shaped — works that, Cruz says, will finally let audiences understand him.

At the center of Cruz’s studio is a large portrait of a masturbating Cory Aquino.

Cruz poses in front of his piece, entitled ‘C*nty Aquino’

“This piece is a metaphor for loneliness. You know, Tita Cory was a widow. And she was President. Both are very lonely positions. One wonders, how often did she finger herself?” says Mideo.

Cruz continues, “This piece is about society, too. It’s about sexuality. It’s a critique of the Theory of Evolution. Also, if you turn the work upside down, the meaning changes. Upside down, the painting becomes a metaphor for hope amidst a world that is in violent flux, due to the effects of capitalism and neo-colonialism, especially in the wake of 9/11 and the so-called ‘War on Terror’.”

A seminal artist

In between sips of tea, Cruz turns serious. He says he is “hurt” by attacks on his craftsmanship — specifically, by National Artist for Literature, F. Sionil Jose, who has called him “immature.”

He brings us to a corner of his studio and holds up one of his latest projects — a collage depicting a penis ejaculating a bar of gold.

“The collage is a very difficult medium. One has to utilize scissors to cut a photograph, and then apply a precise amount of adhesive, or what is known in common parlance as ‘glue.’ What’s immature about this?” says Cruz.

“By the way, this is an actual picture of my father’s penis, and the gold here represents me, Mideo Cruz. It’s my expression of humility, because all my talents and skills, I owe to papa’s penis juice,” Cruz explains.

Respect

Despite the recent controversy, Mideo Cruz remains hopeful. All he wishes is that people respect his artistic expression.

However, when asked if respect begets respect — and if his shocking critique of how Filipinos worship deservingly stoked people’s shocked reactions at the way he does art — Cruz becomes defensive.

“Why? Would you prefer I only draw rainbows and smiley faces and pictures of bishops helping the poor?” Mideo asks.

“Because those are really hard to draw,” he concludes.

Christian extremists plot Hilton assassination

Mon, 15 Aug 2011 14:01:00 +0800

Atty. Jo Imbong and members of the Saint Thomas More Society stalk Paris Hilton outside Malacañang Palace

Paris Hilton’s arrival in Manila has caused an avalanche of reaction — but few are as violent as the reactions from Atty. Jo Imbong, Executive Director of the Saint Thomas More Society.

At 10 a.m. today, Imbong posted a message on the social networking site Twitter, calling Paris Hilton “the devil”, and asking followers to gather near Malacañang Palace, where Hilton was meeting President Noynoy Aquino.

By 11 a.m., the entire membership of the Society had amassed at Mendiola — all ten of them, bearing wooden stakes and crucifixes, and calling for Hilton’s head.

“Paris Hilton is a temple of sin!” said Imbong as she addressed the gathering. ”Her catchphrase ‘That’s hot,’ sends innocents into the fires of hell!”

The breach

By 12 noon, the Society had breached the gates of Malacañang by threatening Palace guards with excommunication. The guards were discovered hours later, cowering in fear.

Several members of the Society then built a pyre on the front lawn of the Palace, as the rest of the group pledged allegiance to their patron, Saint Thomas More, a 15th Century lawyer known for torturing heretics and burning them at the stake.

At half past 12, Imbong took a megaphone and started chanting at the direction of the Palace: “Domine, serva nos a vaginae Paris Hilton est. Pati nolite hirundo filios nostros. Et placet, dona nobis catulus.” (“Lord, protect us from Paris Hilton’s vagina. Do not let it swallow our children. And please, give us a puppy.”)

Palace reaction

As of press time, a standoff still ensues. With the Saint Thomas More Society staying put, operations inside Malacañang have come to a halt.

President Aquino, fearing the safety of his new acquaintance, refuses to leave Hilton’s side and has formally asked her to stay the night.

Hilton responded, “No.” — Mosquito Press

New lizard species discovered in Manila

Wed, 25 May 2011 20:03:00 +0800

New lizard species discovered in Manila

NBI discovers shocking truth about Leviste’s escape

Wed, 25 May 2011 10:04:00 +0800

NBI discovers shocking truth about Leviste’s escape

CBCP releases master list of everything they disapprove of

Tue, 24 May 2011 10:30:00 +0800

Fr. Melvin Castro of the CBCP presents the list to media

The Catholic Bishops’ Conference of the Philippines (CBCP) has released a list of 1,829 acts that it says, “attack the moral fiber of Filipino life.”

Included in the list is the “consumption and distribution of chocolatey products.” The CBCP explains, “Chocolate is a natural aphrodisiac. It encourages promiscuity, which leads to abortions! … Chocolate is cancerous!”

Also mentioned is the “wearing of inappropriate attire, such as bikinis, mini skirts, and any clothing that exposes a woman’s head.” This is based on the Bible’s 1 Corinthians 11:2-16, which states that if a woman fails to keep her head covered, she should be shaved bald.

Fr. Melvin Castro, Executive Director of the CBCP Episcopal Commission on Family and Life, said at a press conference, “The list clarifies the Church’s position as savior of the Filipino race.”

He said, “As God-appointed leaders, we consider it our duty to tell people how evil they are, and how they can avoid the fires of hell just by doing what we tell them to do.”

Palace Communications Group announces announcement about future announcements

Sat, 21 May 2011 15:05:00 +0800

Malacañang held a press conference today to announce President Aquino’s intention to make an announcement about when he will announce a “mutual understanding” with a woman, whose identity will be announced in a separate announcement, which will come just shortly after the first announcement that the Palace announced.

Says Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa, ”We would appreciate it if the media just wait instead of wildly speculating about these announced announcements.”

Communications Secretary Ricky Carandang then added, “Abangan!”