"In Memoriam"

Mosquito Press pays tribute to the people whose political careers died this 2013. We’re very sorry for their loss.

Comelec imposes text, load ban

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On the heels of a liquor ban and a money ban, the Commission on Elections (Comelec) has now issued a ban on cellphone text messages and the loading of prepaid credit.

From May 9 to 13, Philippine citizens shall not be allowed to send SMS texts and buy prepaid load. Comelec has also directed telecoms companies to suspend all unlimited texting promos, such as Globe’s “Unlitext” and Smart’s “All Text.”

"This prevents candidates from sending spam messages and text blasts which have been bombarding people for weeks," says Comelec Chairman Sixto Brillantes, Jr. "Everyday, for example, I receive a text from Jack Enrile, asking me to vote for him. I just want Jack Enrile to stop texting me."

"We have also heard reports of a new vote-buying method, where candidates pay voters in prepaid load instead of cash," Brillantes added. "We all know that the poor people, they cannot say no to load, so the load ban will put a stop to that."

Comelec spokesperson James Jimenez meanwhile urges the public to comply with the Commission’s new rules. “The gun ban, the liquor ban, the money ban, and now, the text and load ban, all of these are designed to create free and fair elections,” Jimenez says.

"The gun ban prevents violence, the liquor ban prevents drunkenness, the money ban prevents vote-buying… The only problem we have left to solve is people making dumb decisions. Next elections, we’ll impose an idiot ban. Anybody with an IQ below 80 will be disallowed from voting," Jimenez declares. — Mosquito Press

Nancy Binay reveals childhood trauma: ‘Papa forced me to debate him!’

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After news leaked this week that Nancy Binay had secured a Temporary Protection Order against “any kind of discussion (or) debates,” Filipino netizens have attacked the Senatorial candidate, calling her “dumb” and “not fit for public office.”

The attacks hurt Ms. Binay, who is seeking her first elected position after a storied career as a personal assistant to her parents. “People say I have no experience, but as a personal assistant, I have had many achievements,” Binay tells Mosquito Press.

According to her curriculum vitae, Nancy Binay’s career achievements include “Successfully getting coffee for Vice President Jejomar Binay,” and “Successfully scheduling Vice President Binay’s vasectomy.”

"All of these are acts of public service," Nancy declares.

Of course, the younger Binay understands that politics is a dirty game. “When my father told me that I will be running, I knew that there would be personal attacks. People will question my ability. They will target my looks. I accept that because me too, I question my looks.”

"But when I say that I don’t want to debate anybody, the public should accept that. Walang basagan ng trip! This decision is very personal to me.”

Nancy begins to cry. At this point in our interview, we ask her if she is OK.

"No I’m not OK!" she shouts.

"I’ve never told anybody this," she says — her voice trembling as she struggles to regain her composure — "When I was young, papa forced me to debate him."

"He brought me to his room and he locked the door. He took off his shirt and his pants. He was only wearing boxers. Then, he grabbed my hand and said, ‘Debate me! Debate me!’"

"I was only seven years old," Nancy whispers. "I was only seven years old…" — Mosquito Press

Sotto appointed Secretary of Tweets

With the signing of the Cybercrime Prevention Act, President Noynoy Aquino has approved the creation of the Department of Tweets, a government agency tasked to “regulate and monitor” all activity on the social networking site, Twitter.

The President today appointed Sen. Tito Sotto as Secretary of the newly-created department. Sotto assumes the position immediately.

"Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country," Sotto told media. "With this appointment, I think about all the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can’t, and the people who pressed on with that Filipino creed: Yes we can."

Under the Cybercrime Prevention Act, all Filipinos must have their tweets approved by the government before posting. Similar to the MTRCB, the Department of Tweets has a review board composed of representatives from the religious sector. Offensive tweets are censored, libelous tweets are forwarded to the NBI for criminal investigation, and posts with child pornography are sent to the CBCP.

REVIEW PROCESS

"The review process is simple," Sotto said. "We call it ‘1-2-3.’ One, submit via mail or fax the application form, along with two valid ID’s, NBI clearance, and birth certificate. Two, pay the review fee of P2,000. Three, wait three weeks for approval."

Sotto warned that users who post unauthorized tweets face jail time. He also urged the public to just accept the new procedures. “With great power comes great responsibility,” Sotto said.

Presidential spokesperson Abigail Valte in a press briefing commended the appointment of Sotto, and defended the creation of the Department of Tweets.

"Freedom is never absolute. There are responsibilities that do accompany our freedoms, the freedoms that we do possess. And from the emergence of technology as another platform kasi dati TV, radyo, diyaryo lang tayo e. So, ngayon you have a new platform for people to engage in and that’s only fitting also that there should be regulation to some extent,” Valte said.

Kasi siguro ‘yung i-parallel natin diyan ‘yung mga reporters nga, ‘yung mga journalists, they’re liable if they’re not responsible, and you have platforms kasi. Iba-iba tayo nang pinanghahawakang platform, and because of the emergence of that, then there should also be responsibility that is attached to people who make use of that particular platform,” Valte added.

Juxtaposition Fail

Juxtaposition Fail

An interview with Jinkee Pacquiao’s old face

BY THE STAFF

"What happened to Jinkee’s face??!" cried many on social media this week, after seeing the latest cover of Mega Magazine with a virtually unrecognizable Mrs. Pacquiao.

Well, we at Mosquito Press have found out. We tracked down Jinkee Pacquiao’s old face and found it at a nursing home in Caloocan, where it is recovering from massive surgical wounds.

We spoke with it about family, culture, and its feelings toward Mrs. Pacquiao’s replacement face. Here is our exclusive interview.

How is your relationship like with Jinkee Pacquiao’s new face?

We’re civil naman. When we see each other, I smile, and then it tries to smile back. 

How is your relationship with Jinkee?

You know, I was the face Jinkee was born with with. She met Manny because of me. He fell in love with her because of me. When they were poor, and through all the difficult times, I stayed fair and wrinkle-free.

So, am I mad that Jinkee replaced me? How can I be mad? She’s not naman a pakshet. She’s not a pakshet who never replies to my texts; who has never even bothered to thank me. She’s not.

It was a painful separation, then?

Duh, they used a knife! Ang daming dugo, like iww. 

What was Mr. Pacquiao’s reaction?

Nothing. But then again, Manny’s face only has two expressions: deadma and “araaay!” Haven’t you seen his movie?

No, I haven’t.

Oo nga pala, nobody saw his movie.

There has been talk that the Pacquiaos’ marriage is on the rocks. Do you have any comment on this?

The marriage is going strong. Jinkee’s happy when Manny’s happy, and Manny’s very happy. It’s a different face he sees in the morning now.

Has the transformation affected the Pacquiao children?

It took them a while to get used to Jinkee’s new face. They were always crying, “I want my mommy!” even though Jinkee was right in front of them.

But eventually, they liked it. Queen Elizabeth nga said, “Mommy, I want to look like you.” Jinkee laughed and said, “Take it out of your trust fund.”

People hit Jinkee for her heavy use of cosmetic surgery. What is your message for her critics?

Haters to the left. I won’t even glorify them. They’re just jealous ants, while Jinkee is a role model for majority of Filipinas.

Everyday, young girls look up to her and think, “One day, I, too, can marry a boxer. I can become a billionaire. I can have enough money to make my flat nose sharp, my brown skin white, my chest a size C, and bring my waistline down to anorexia levels.”

That’s so inspirational.

So, white is beautiful and flat noses are flaws to be fixed?

Yah. But I’m not saying that brown is ugly, no? If you’re comfortable looking like Pokwang, go lang ng go! I support your inner beauty!

What about Angel Aquino?

That’s different. She has class.

A final question: What are your plans for the future?

I want to travel. Maybe see Morocco, Nepal, Antarctica, and Latin America. I’m a backpacker.

But I’m enjoying my retirement. I’ve made very good friends at the Home for Discarded Body Parts. Regine Velasquez’s chin and Gretchen Barretto’s lips are my BFFs. — Mosquito Press

FACE-PALM: President Aquino embarrasses self at APEC Summit

FACE-PALM: President Aquino embarrasses self at APEC Summit

(Source: daylife.com)